Well, I havent used this blog in a long long time. And rather than creating a new one for cathartic porpouses I may as well use this one. Better than breaking donw on twitter I guess.

Today I wasted another day in my life becuase I have nothing to do with my time except to dedicate it to people who doesn't want it. Just like I just posted on twitter.

Simply put, I'm in love with someone who is not in love with me and I am online all the time so that I don't miss an opportunity to talk to her. Today she was online as ussual, but for whatever reason she's tooo busy to answer me and I'm going mad because of it. She has time to post all sort of things on twitter sure, but she doesn't have the time to say hi back to me.

I am a fool. I tought I had something special with this woman, she talked to me about very personal things that happened to her, I tried to help her feel better about those things countless times, and she told me very beautiful things too, as well as the harshes things, like saying she had no feelings for me when I confessed my feelings for her. Once she even asked me "permission" to comit suicide.

Yes, she has expressed to me her desire to end her life due to things that touble her and finds impossible to deal with, and she has scared me more than once making me think that she was actually going to do it, while I was trying desperatedly to convince her not to. Also because of how bad I was feeling one day because she didn't love me she almost tought I was going to do it. That day I made a sort of a deal with her, I said I wasn't going to do it if she didn't, she agreed.

Having someone telling you "plaese let me die" is a weird feeling, a mix of knowing someone is in so much pain as to say those words and the fact that maybe she's not doing it because of you. It is truly terrifying, both feeling the pain of the other person, the responsibility that if you do something wrong the other person may loose her life, and the fear that no matter how hard you try to prevent it she might go ahead and do it anyways, and thus loosing someone who is deeply important to you.

But of cpurse she didn't needed my "permission" to die, she could have done it anyway and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. So maybe she was looking for some sort of approval or validation, a validation I was not going to provide her with, even if for the selfish porpouse of not wanting to loose her forever and not to feel pain myself.

The truth is that she's in love with someone else, and the day I made that deal I found out truly how deep those feelings for the other person were, this made me feel an immesurable pain. That day I was worries that I was meaningless to her, that I tought we had something and I was actually unimportant to her. I don't know if it was just to calm me down or if she really meant it, but she told me that wether i believed her or not I was precious to her.

But altho she's online some times she doesn't even answers me, or she disappears mid conversation, or doesn't reply to what i'm saying, lately most time she answers everything I say with one word or a very short prhase, not really wanting to engage in conversation anymore. Actually I cannot recall the last time we had a real conversation. Most of the time I would just write a lot and she would give short answers as if she's not interested. She says it's because she's tired, not feeling well or busy, and says she's sorry.

So I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid and I really matter to her, or maybe I'm just bugging her and she's growing increasedly tired of me. But if so, why does she even bothers to answer at all? Even if it's going to be just a short answer. Well, today she hasn't answered me at all, and she's doing it more often every time.

Her girlfriend, to whom i'm not talking with anymore because she decided to block me on skype facebook and twitter, does the same thing I do. She's in love with her, probably as much as I am, and she told me that every day she races home from work to talk to her, that she doesn't do anything else to talk to her because there's so littel time to do it, and then some times she's unavailable or something and she grows very frustrated as well.

So if she loves her and does the same to her that she does to me, then maybe I am just paranoid, maybe she's just too busy and tired, and feels terrible because of her problems, and we selfishly demand more and more of her time and energies, but she actually cares for me as much as she cares for her, even if in my case is just as a friend.