UAC

Esta noche, mezclado con ensoñaciones, me vino a la cabeza el primer libro que escribi, o al menos intente escribir. Medio que lo termine abruptamente en un momento que me canse de seguirlo, aunque planeaba que fuera mas extenso. Como practica de escritura fue muy interesante, y son una de esas cosas que coincidero que en un momento fui bueno haciendo pero que he perdido, esos momentos que nos enseñan que no siempre el tiempo nos hace mejores, sino que con el tiempo tambien perdemos cosas, perdemos ganas, isnpiracion, y hasta facilidad para hacer las cosas.

Esta entrada de blog tambien rescata otra cosa del pasado, de esa epoca incluso, un viejo blog que queda olvivdado y al cual de tanto en tanto vuelvo, como para dejar otra marca, otra idea mia, como gota de agua en el inmenso mar de internet.

Otra razon por la que volvi a escribir aqui es para ver si puedo retomar mi habilidad de escritura por arriba de los 140 caracteres del infernal y odioso Twitter, una porqueria de red social que coharta nustra prosa (el 90% al menos de las cosas que escribo en Twitter no entran en los 140 caracteres), y nos condiciona a escribir brevedades, sumidas en un mar de brevedades y quedando perdida. Esa es tambien su escusa para la brevedad, que hay tantas que tienen que ser cortas para que la genta las lea. Es una constante de nuestro tiempo, mucha cantidad y corto, tratando de estar al tanto de todo lo que hasta el ultimo idiota tiene para decir.

Asi que creo que mejor una entrada en el blog cada tantos años a la que algun dia voy a volver a leer y me aporta algo, que un eufemismo que quedara olvidado en un tweet. Digo, porque es lo unico que se puede decir en 140 caracteres, estoy seguro de que a José Narosky le encanta Twitter, pero a mi mas que servirme me perjudica. Necesito un espacio como este donde mis ideas puedan empezar a aflorar, con todo el riesgo de lo extremadamente pretenciosas que puedan parecer mis entradas, al menos para practicar esto, la escritura.

Siempre quise escribir y que me publicaran un libro. Lo mismo con un film, siempre quise realizar uno. Crear historias, como esas historias que me fascinaron a mi, fascinar a otros, o fascinarme a mi mismo. Y la verdad, con la malaria del mundo del entretenimiento bien podria hacer algo para enriquecerlo, al menos de cosas que me gustan a mi, no se los demas.

Uno de los problemas que he tenido a la hora de empezar historias ultimamente es que se me ha lavado tanto el cerebro que quedo limpio de ideas, y toda idea que se me viene a la cabeza parece sacada o inspirada de una pelicula o una serie, u otro libro, o cosas de otros, no mias. Es por eso que decidi volver a ese historia original, e incluso mejorarla si es posible, reescribirla, ya que ha sido perdida de todas formas.

Well, I havent used this blog in a long long time. And rather than creating a new one for cathartic porpouses I may as well use this one. Better than breaking donw on twitter I guess.

Today I wasted another day in my life becuase I have nothing to do with my time except to dedicate it to people who doesn't want it. Just like I just posted on twitter.

Simply put, I'm in love with someone who is not in love with me and I am online all the time so that I don't miss an opportunity to talk to her. Today she was online as ussual, but for whatever reason she's tooo busy to answer me and I'm going mad because of it. She has time to post all sort of things on twitter sure, but she doesn't have the time to say hi back to me.

I am a fool. I tought I had something special with this woman, she talked to me about very personal things that happened to her, I tried to help her feel better about those things countless times, and she told me very beautiful things too, as well as the harshes things, like saying she had no feelings for me when I confessed my feelings for her. Once she even asked me "permission" to comit suicide.

Yes, she has expressed to me her desire to end her life due to things that touble her and finds impossible to deal with, and she has scared me more than once making me think that she was actually going to do it, while I was trying desperatedly to convince her not to. Also because of how bad I was feeling one day because she didn't love me she almost tought I was going to do it. That day I made a sort of a deal with her, I said I wasn't going to do it if she didn't, she agreed.

Having someone telling you "plaese let me die" is a weird feeling, a mix of knowing someone is in so much pain as to say those words and the fact that maybe she's not doing it because of you. It is truly terrifying, both feeling the pain of the other person, the responsibility that if you do something wrong the other person may loose her life, and the fear that no matter how hard you try to prevent it she might go ahead and do it anyways, and thus loosing someone who is deeply important to you.

But of cpurse she didn't needed my "permission" to die, she could have done it anyway and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. So maybe she was looking for some sort of approval or validation, a validation I was not going to provide her with, even if for the selfish porpouse of not wanting to loose her forever and not to feel pain myself.

The truth is that she's in love with someone else, and the day I made that deal I found out truly how deep those feelings for the other person were, this made me feel an immesurable pain. That day I was worries that I was meaningless to her, that I tought we had something and I was actually unimportant to her. I don't know if it was just to calm me down or if she really meant it, but she told me that wether i believed her or not I was precious to her.

But altho she's online some times she doesn't even answers me, or she disappears mid conversation, or doesn't reply to what i'm saying, lately most time she answers everything I say with one word or a very short prhase, not really wanting to engage in conversation anymore. Actually I cannot recall the last time we had a real conversation. Most of the time I would just write a lot and she would give short answers as if she's not interested. She says it's because she's tired, not feeling well or busy, and says she's sorry.

So I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid and I really matter to her, or maybe I'm just bugging her and she's growing increasedly tired of me. But if so, why does she even bothers to answer at all? Even if it's going to be just a short answer. Well, today she hasn't answered me at all, and she's doing it more often every time.

Her girlfriend, to whom i'm not talking with anymore because she decided to block me on skype facebook and twitter, does the same thing I do. She's in love with her, probably as much as I am, and she told me that every day she races home from work to talk to her, that she doesn't do anything else to talk to her because there's so littel time to do it, and then some times she's unavailable or something and she grows very frustrated as well.

So if she loves her and does the same to her that she does to me, then maybe I am just paranoid, maybe she's just too busy and tired, and feels terrible because of her problems, and we selfishly demand more and more of her time and energies, but she actually cares for me as much as she cares for her, even if in my case is just as a friend.